Here I am at the supposed crossing.
This Crossing that supposedly leads to the Underworld. We are facing Samhain again and it is quite normal for all of us to go through ha faze of introspection at this time. A dull gloomy time of year when we are all moody and sad and we don’t really want anything to do with anyone. I have gone through this cycle so many times.
Only this year it’s different. In fact there is no crossing. There is no underworld.
I have done my introspection. I have come to grips with whom I am and who I am not. I have grown and learned and I have the scars to prove it. But I am here and alive and stronger than ever before.
I look around me and I see people mourning for the destruction of their lives and souls and a small part of me feels guilty. While you are mourning I am celebrating.
I cannot force the tears of sadness and the only tears that fall are those of happiness and bliss. For such a long time I have written about not knowing who I am and the paradox of my life. Finally, after a long struggle, I have now figured out how this soul fits into this flesh. I am happy and the hard part is that your sadness makes me even more happy that I am happy. I remember the long nights that I used to sit and cry myself to sleep, mourning my soul and my life and I am happy that it is over. I am happy that I can be happy.
Oh I had support, and believe me I used it. And as you were my support I am now yours, but if there is anything that I have learned from this experience, it is that no one can really understand your woes. Only you. This may sound daunting and very heavy but there is another truth that I learned. There is light at the end of the tunnel and no amount of power cuts can make it go away. How do you reach it? I wish I could tell you. How does it happen? Day by day.
A work colleague told me once “take charge” and if I had to put a catalyst moment to my own journey, that would be it. She didn’t even know of my troubles and was talking about her own life, but her troubled life saved my life.
That is why I cannot be sad or mournful, that is why I cannot force the tears. My life is not perfect now, I do have problems, but I am taking charge. The reward? Seeing the change, everyday.
So even though you cannot save your life by the listening to my troubled life, I hope that you can take something from my troubled past and turn it into your bright future.
I will drink to that. I will drink to your bright future and your fabulous life.
I love you.